What am I, crazy?!

To be honest, I still don't really like want to chat with my parents. The main reason is I am still really mad about them, and now, I don't think I am gonna have a nice conversation with them any time sooner.

In fact, I still don't think that I did make myself clear enough. I thought that since that they are my parents, they should be understand what I am talking about, or what am I implying via my expressions.

But still, I am contracting myself by thinking that, "oh, they are still human after all, so they can't really see what is it I want, or what am I talking about."

In fact, I realised that I am a very tough outside, but inside my heart, I am very sensitive, fragile. I just don't want them to worry about me too much, at least not now. But what I really want now is a somebody I can really rely on, and I don't think that I had that "someone" in here yet. And I do believe my friends, but they are way out of reach, and preparing their own future with their hand.

Now, I believe that I am repeating the mistakes I made, even though it doesn't hurt anybody, well, at least I am the only one who suffering from it. Just quoting some line I heard, "it is not that I don't want to open up, but I just afraid that people will talk behind me, and I afraid that I am very vulnerable after I open up."

Maybe my friend was right, I am a worrier. And in future, if I can't find someone to share about, I might need a shrink, sooner or later

Back to square one?

well, i just can't believe that it's been more than one year since i got here
i still can remember that i was kinda timid, shy, quite back there
well, i can't said i changed so much
i am not very talkactive when facing people that aren't close to me
but once you get closer, know me more
the conversation topics just flooded out of my mouth

but what i can say is i am much more open minded
toward many things that's it
and the times just flew
but some times, i doubting myself that what am i even doing here
going out, went to gym, working part time, attending classes
now thanks to someone
i got a lot of time walking around to different places
and during these time, i done nothing
well, set aside fantasizing in my own little world
or just sing along with the songs i am listening if nobody around
or dance a little, if and only if no human being in sight
and of course, the most important thing
reaching deep down, questioning myself, reflecting what i done

but oh well
i did those stuff when i am walking anyway#
right now, i am enjoying the second day of christmas vacation
and i do really hate myself of being lazy when i got nothing do to
i had couple of assignments needed to be done
pilot study for my dissertation wen wrong last wednesday
gonna figure another way to do the experiment
well, actually just incorrect primers used
need to find another one
not to mention i still had to do some house chore
guess i gonna do them tomorrow
hope i still can remember after i finish my breakfast
speaking of which, i still need to do some grocery shopping as well
grrr, the list can be so long
yet my procrastination hitting me hard this tim

guess tomorrow gonna be a productive day
not for assignments though, but for surviving...:D

Vacations.....

to be honest
i am not really looking forward for the upcoming christmas vacation
i rather want the term is just carry on
at least i will be surrounded by people
oh well
people do have their joys
and i can't just mourning about the lost

supposedly, i wanted to post something on saturday
but i was too tired for that
so i just went to sleep straight after
what i want to write about
is just two things that gave me second wind
first one, i went to gym, two times in a same day
well, this is nothing special to some people
but for me, it is
in fact, i just can't concentrate in the morning when i went to gym
and i decided to go back early
but then, in the afternoon
my housemate drag me to the gym
so, two workout session in a same day

the second thing
well, it is nothing very special too
but i just had a perfect shift during work at the same day
what i mean is
i didn't make a single mistake during the shift
like, wrong foods to wrong table, missing some foods etc etc
and i realized that after i get back from work
tiring, after so long time that i didn't felt any joy during work
i started to enjoy the work again

well, the next thing that i am worry about
is how am i gonna kill the spare time
while working out all assignments in hand
regular social life, and stay sane for this coming three weeks
and right now, i do believe that i gonna lies a lot
in the near future

it is been a hell lot of week

i admit, that i don't really like surprise much
at least it is not a negative one, i am fine with it

but still, it is very hard to accept the pain of losing someone dear to you
there is not much people know this
only a handful of my friend knew that
well, i did try to follow the flow of tears
but still, i didn't done much crying, and mourning anyway
and i was thought that at least i can go home
but it seems that i still do not quite understand the reason they gave me
the reason of not going home
it is not them that can't convince me
but i do not think that the reason is good enough for me for not to go home
i still don't understand why
is this reason can convince you?
"she just want you to be succeed in your study, then come back."

does this implying that if i not doing well in my education
then i don't have to come home?!
frustrated, i still carrying on my life
gulp down all my tears and sorrows
but you see, i don't know how long could i hold them
until a point where they will exploded, flooded and stuffs

scientifically, i don't think her conscious remains in this world
maybe not in this dimension
spiritually, i hope her soul went to some place nicer
or maybe she already watch over me now at this moment

the border of life and death, is that really that close?

Opps

it seems that i am gradually forget to update the little corner of this
i thought that i can remember to post something here every Fri/Sat/Sunday
but it seems that there are hell lot of things happened
and i just want to finish that day and embrace the new beginning of next day

to be honest, i do not want to use this corner just to complaining the stuffs
but sometimes, things are just happened
and there is nothing else that i can share/talk about
well, i can feel that this post gonna kinda long, and negative
but this is just let people know what's going on in my life
and act as my little diary as well

first off, i still don't understand why some people can remember all the wrongs
rather than forget them, and start everything anew
but anyway, this is my way of living
but still, that particular group of people can just simply hate/hold the grudges
not even i act friendly toward them
and i do believe that that people will never talk to me again
well, if that people really acting that way
guess i'll have to act as the same way too...:P

i know i can be very, very bossy
but still, what i want is the commitments
oh well, "people"
still don't really understand why
and, i guess i'll have to either just do my job, and suck it up
or just say "fcuk you!! just go to hell!!"
or "just call your mother ship come to pick you up, but when you do, please do tell me so that i can call NASA to have them take some picture of you and your kind, and i'll have a small fortune for me, as a reward of telling them there are some aliens coming to pick their people back to their home planet."

lol, a long sarcastic line here
anyway, there is one other reason that keep me away from updating
well, gym sessions, classes, assignments, dissertation, works, entertainment, other kind of entertainment, sleep, surviving
yeah pretty much this list sum up my to do list
i still try to enjoy my life here
god knows that where am i, and what am i doing next year, some date, same time...:P

so in conclusion
cheerios!!!

What a crazy week

Naive, Mental, Talented, Passion
well, these are the words that i found when i looked at random picture
the picture about the first 4 words you found describe yourself
just a random picture i found on FB
quite accurate to some extend..XD

back to main topic
this ending week are the personal development week in uni
so there are no classes at all
which is nice if i say so myself
got a normal monday
but then a very tiring, but excited tuesday
tons of fun on wednesday
recovering thrusday
normal friday
and exciting saturday

i am pretty much working on my dissertation on monday
then i got my phone on tuesday
and i arranged all of my appointment with supervisor and lab assistant on tuesday as well
which, turn out to be a good plan
i planned to took the day of so that i can prepare myself for wednesday
but in the end, i still can't learn how to say no
but anyway, i am having a great time on wednesday..:D

then the rest of the week are pretty much the same
but i think i am kinda depressed on friday
i think it is because i had way too much fun
and i just don't want it to be end
but then, i told myself
"oh WTF, this is just temporary, life goes on..."
and yeah, the mood is recovered a little bit more...XD

oh well, this is life
some nice arrangement could make thing looks better...XD

whole new level

well, things does happened
and to be honest
this passed week are damn crazy for me
i never expect my dissertation's proposal are going so well
and i go out with somebody i completely don't know for a movie
and i went for the counselling, spilled my hidden troubles to someone neutral for the 1st time as well

after these instances
i realized that typing out the troubles just helped a little
just a little, unless the post are made anonymously
but the thing is, this is hard to be achieved
talk to someone neutral, which mean he/she don't know the people involved in your problem
and the someone neutral must be have more life experiences than you
that way, he/she can understand your problems easily
anyway, she really helped me a lot
besides, she said that i looked like being in the most depressed state that she ever met

but, i did made a promise to myself
the promise of i will not drop a single tear anymore
not even 0.001ml
but, after that, something happened
and i not even want to tell what is it
until i think it is time for me to tell
so don't ever ask

and after "that" happened
people from work said that i looked very happy
very, very happy
well, that can't be help
since that suddenly i felt like i got more motivation to go on
compare to before of course

anyway, this 100th post make the change of my life!!!

Sick of it....

well, i am kinda getting numb toward the empty promises

and kinda understand how's my parents' feelings

especially when i encounter almost the same situations

to be honest

i don't think i can't be serious during works, academics and games

i think i posted this before

but today's shift make me felt like i am post this again

perhaps there might be more of these kind of feelings in the future

but the main thing is, i am getting bored at works

it is not that i got bored from the responsibilities i hold during works

but it is the people there...

what do you felt, when you just want to confirm something

but get a cold-shoulder in return...

not a proper wording here

just that person's respond in annoyed manner

well, this is very frustrating situations

in restaurant, especially the one i am working in

once there is a mistake, there are at least 2 people will starting to shout at me

saying something like "WTF R U DOING?!"

"WHAT HAD YOU DONE?!"  etc

did you see the dilemma here?

a mistake get some scolding in return

a confirmation question earn a cold-shoulder response

what will you do?

seriously, i had a lighten mood to start working

then what i got is a blow to my mood

from the top of the cliff to the bottom of ravine

and this happened on the very first hour i am started working

this is point no. 1

Point no. 2

empty promises

due to the fact that i worked for such a long time in that place

i can be a full-fledged full-timer at anytime

but i patronizing my study first

so full timer on term date is out of story

but that's not the point

main thing is i need to complete many tasks when my shift is almost over

for instances, clean the coffee machine, counters, cutlery, plates and menu cards

there is a girl from Poland who hold the responsibilities of the cleaning the cutlery and plates

so, as long as she didn't absent or finish her shift early

my jobs are kinda easy

gonna side tracked

well, there is another full-timer

she "asked" me nicely to clean the counter and the coffee machine

in exchange of she helping me to serve the foods to the customers

which is my main jobs there

in the end, she is always nowhere to be seen when the bell rang

for the notification of the foods are ready of course

which mean that my cleaning jobs are always interrupted

which, really pissed my off

as i just realized that my style of working is keep the flows go on

which mean i am happier to complete the tasks without interruptions

well, that's point 2

point 3, i'll make it short

there is a new full-timer

and according from the info i heard

he is kinda "big", which mean he have some authorities

but he just take it way too easy

it is not that he is not helping

but he keep annoy me by keep saying

"why so serious"

which kept remind me of the Joker

gah, just annoyed

and frankly speaking

there is no one i can talk to

Parents? Out of questions, as they had their things to worry about

my best pal? Hardly to see him online

college gang? they had their FYP to worry about

housemate? well, there is nothing they can do, and i doubt they understand my feelings as they didn't went through as many hardship as i do

and i don't think i'll get any responses from FB as well

not even a like or comment.....

*sigh* <=== favorite word now

just use it and let the things be............

new term, new life?

well, the summer flew by
the long summer had gone
the weather doesn't as hot as I anticipated
well, watch too much japanese animation
where throughout the whole series
there's gonna be an episode of extremely hot/cold weather
which gave me am impression that the summer is horrible

but in the end
the summer passes without really hot temperature
well, there are few days that really hot
it is not the same "hot" in m'sia
but it is windless hot
which make the room are hotter then usual with stagnant air
not to mentioned when working in the restaurant

speaking of which
if it isn't my colleague mentioned about how she getting more hot-headed during work
i wouldn't be able to realized that i had the same problem too
especially when there are no enough people to work, and the tables are fully booked
and the stupid hag still unable to judge the situation and adjust her speed accordingly
despite her working experience is more then few years
the manager did really helped
by command that stupid hag to slow down, otherwise, it is gonna be a disaster
let alone to provide the so-called "service"

practically, i worked 6 days straight down during the fresher week
which make me felt lot more tired then usual
.........
well, the recent are nothing but only complaints
the new term time table make me feel like this year gonna be an interesting year
still, when i try to calm down after the high stress works in the restaurant
i recalled, some really nostalgic memories
not some, lot of them
which make me recalled some of the conversation with my fellow college friends

the main point is
"the group is splitting, even they living under the same roof"
i think i mentioned this before
but the feeling, not quite sure how to describe it
kinda like a mixture of anger, nostalgic, sad, wasted
and more.....
and i felt it is kinda unfair
the adv. diploma have 4 groups, instead of 5 in diploma year
so, in order to do to that
the people who in charge in changing the name list split my group into 2
evenly half of my group members merge into others
i knew that my group isn't the only which got separated
but the other groups are only had only few of the members separated
ranging from 3 to 5
but my group are separated into two equal halves

i could do nothing about that
since that i am not staying for adv diploma
still, i felt so unfair
i would prefer all the name lists are decided by picking the member randomly
rather then splitting the groups
since that his is much more equal to everyone......

well, as for the first day of term
i had a hard time to concentrate after the 3rd hours of lecture
and had a not-so-stress-relieving gym session
the tiredness kicked in real quick after some soft music played
all i just hope, is to have all my group members stay connected
even only remained in the FB friendlists will do....
and of course, the group i created...........

it is been one year

well, the time flew away again
i just realized that i been here for one year
if it isn't my friend asked me
i wouldn't realized that 15th of September is gone for good
as usual, nothing particularly happened
and it seems that there are many parting gonna happened
and for me, i don't really care about the parting

it is not that i don't care for my friends
but, if that's their choice to leave
so there is no points to mourning or what-so-ever
and then, there is something that really picked on my nerves
the M'sia government issues again
which, i saw them on FB by chance
it is about that there is a student who get a good grade for her study
but when she applied the government owned facility
her application was rejected
due to her parental background
which is, Chinese mother and Malay father

the reason of rejection is: "under security"
and duh, what kind of reason of that?!
as the Chinese word said: 官字两个口
literally, this mean that every officers have two mouths
this implies that most of the "government officer" didn't do what they said, or do what they didn't said
this meaning came from the word 官 which have two similar Chinese characters of 口
this caused a change to one of my future plans
which is one of the bad options i had, go back there and be a police officer


you know, this kind of things do happened
and i still wondering what will happened to M'sia
will it become better? or worst
and for my case
I'll just leave it, and just be awed by how much surprises that the racial issues gonna taken them to
and this just trigger one of my old memories
which is the vows we all gonna swear for every Monday at school's assembles
and i don't think that there is a line of "racial equity"
and when i wiki-ed it, it seems there is something extra to the front
oh well............
maybe a bouncer isn't a bad job too..

this is getting too much....

well, i can see that i didn't update my blog as frequently as i did
just addicted to an MMORPG, Forsaken World
all blame go to Adam...XD

well, nothing worth mentioning it, unless you, the readers want to know my achievement in the game
glad that everyone still doing fine
just a quick update for this, nothing better to do
as I getting a little bit bored for that game...:P
below is the one of the screenshot from the game
when i am level 45, now i am level 53 FYI...XD

and this picture supposed to be a joke to my friend
as her name is Mabel as well, and see the title of the NPC in the picture...XD

that was unexpected....

i guess that I have few close friends
those who can chat with me for a long time
those who can remain silence for a long time without getting awkward during conversation
those who can share the secrets
those who can keep secrets
those who remain as friends even thought we haven't chatted for a long time
those who share your joys, suffers, pains, tears and theirs

I admitted that I did lost some friends here
i am not making excuses, but those things are not in my control
and out of my jurisdiction as well
one of them, well, he act a little bit childish
then the other one, he is on the verge
but i do have a feeling that it is gonna happen, sooner or later

enough for the friend here
in fact, i just had a long Skype chat with my friends on this afternoon
everyone seems to be healthy
set aside that the finals are coming
and the endless report-producing makes them seems tired, and stressed
but this is not my main concern
it seems that the bonds we forged together are crumbling
and some of them are broken, separated

thanks to the technology
long distance friends are rarely appear in people's dictionary
but they not always work <----making excuses again
anyway, when she told me this
i don't now how to respond
i don't know how to reply
i just answered, "really?"
then she mentioned that some them are splitting up
even though they lived under the same roof
then she said those who didn't came up and said hello in front of the webcam are the ones


the are one quote
"the ship will lost in the midst of sea without it's captain"
perhaps this quote is reanimating my group members
well, this is one of the things that I don't know what i know
the leadership skill
i never thought that the whim on the first day of my college life change so many things
and i never foresee that what happen when i leave my group to pursue my dream
a little bit selfish?
i admitted, but some people might disagree

in the end
i feel so.........frustrated
i can't get my mind of when i had my gym session on the treadmill
until i must clear my mind and catch up the breaths and pace
for me, i am a little bit perfectionist
i want everything to be perfect
i want everyone live happily together

but these are naive thoughts
even i can comes up tons of possible events that can split people from together
.........

this is getting too long
i should stop here
just hope that they wouldn't falling too apart that i can't even close them together again......

Fitness...

Frankly speaking
it is been a long time since that i being so pumped up before
and, this kind of thing are kinda completely random
at least for me...XD

just looking for something to do during summer vacation
and the only thing i needed to keep on doing gym is just a motivation
but in the end, i found several of them
well, the main one is gonna be make myself look better when i wear clothes
believe it or not
my size of choice for the clothing are reduced from L to M
and my waist went down from 36 to34, even 32 can be fitted in, with a little effort of course

and i think this is gonna keep going on
want to gain some muscle weight while lost some fat tissue....

Maybe I was wrong

well, i admit that i am not a good teacher, guider, or whatever that need to teach people
simply because i had very high expectation
or should i say
I judge others with high expectations...
but then again
maybe i was wrong

well, i guess that music people can't be very analytically....

Recently.....

well, since that I am resume to workout my big fat body
it is been a long time I feel myself are so.....fulfilling
and then, several people come at me
some came for the advice
some are just looking to have a company
but i don't myself can be a good company
i am too...well, realistic....XD

in fact, when i am working as usual yesterday
well, this post is on 30th of July
while things happened on 29th, so, yesterday and past tense
the is one guy, working in the kitchen
he just learnt that his father passed away
then he disappeared for like an hour
then came back with a bunch of papers
i believe it is the flight ticket's details
then he just tried to get enough money for the ticket
and cthe last minute ticket can be expensive
like £1000 or something, if I didn't get it wrong

anyhow
what i thought back there
is that the life are just like a shooting star
you come to this world so quickly, like how a shooting start appear
then, maybe some of the shooting stars are sighted by people
just like the people in this world that done something extraordinary
which make them make a carved memory in their minds

then, when you dead, in any means
just like how a shooting start disappeared, without a trace
but to those who saw the shooting stars, they may remember it
they may forget it, they may have a photo of it been taken

but, there is one biggest difference between life and shooting star
the shooting stars are not been sighted 100%
some people may never see a single shooting star
and some people may even forget that they witness meteor shower
but life is different
you always leave a memory to those people you met, encountered, befriended
especially to those that you interact most
by here i mean your family, your spouse, your children...
and you'll never be forgotten

anyway, getting a little bit too long
maybe i should put down my schedule for 30th July 2011
1130: free breakfast at chinese restaurant
around 1330: see my housemate go back via train
1430: gym time
1830: working

then 31th July
maybe 1000 or 1100: get my friend from train station and let him stay at home for next day's trip
either 1400 or 1600: working

then 1st August <----by far my favorite month :-D
probably running around chester...lolz

Whatever

for sometimes

i been reading other people's blogs recently

but there are particular one guy, obviously from TARC

he can pick up my interest

and I am the type of people that is hard to be impressed so easily

well, I like how he struggle his life with many problems

and he is kinda...well, pessimistic, hopeless, and stubborn i might add

don't treat me like I am sadistic or something

I just want to see how's the other people life goes

you can't get many chances that people will put their day to day activities these day

it is not wise, and dangerous

ahem, back to this guy

as I say, pessimistic, hopeless and stubborn

the part he is very pessimism at is on is romance relations

it seems that he had his heart broke before

so after that, he become very negative on life

the situation getting worst as he got family, financial, education issues arose from his life

the hopeless part of him is the same as he being pessimism

then for the stubborn part

I can't believe people can still love/like their crushes for such a long time

like three or fours years now, based on his blog history

and it seems that he never let go of his feeling toward his crush

then these facts add up

he became the type of people that I don't like if I must be honest to my feeling

so, times like these, a neutral word, sentences come in handy

like

"whatever"

"up ti you"

"okay okay lor" <----broken english, how nostalgic

personally, i like these

I do have my opinions from time to time

and if I think it is wise and reasonable, I'll spit it out

but if not, well, whatever..XD

I do so because I don't want others to feel like i am very command

because from time to time I will see what's their opinions toward the issues

if i think there are no severe consequences, I'll let others to decide

then, if i can feel the seriousness of the issues, I'll want to make my opinion loud and clear

for example

having meals with friends

well, this really depends on the mood, and personal preferences

normally i wouldn't have any opinions to try some place new

but if i know the foods are suck, then this is when i state my views

and these kinds of things really depends on situation

and my past experiences make me realized that there are no perfect solutions

at least there are one person that have some objection toward the decisions made

so, either convince them, or alter the decisions and plans

getting a little bit too long....

go back to the lonely guy issue

different people have their different views

for me, if there are somethings that doesn't belong to you

then no matter how hard you try, you would not get what you desire

even thought you might get it, 

but maybe there are something else that been have their quality/quantity reduced

but i don't advocate that you shouldn't try

I will take everything into my considerations before trying such as resources

so, I think I can let go the thing that have been lost

and maybe I am not a good child

since that the family burden is lies on me

and I didn't ignore it, but it will be a great task for me to fulfill it

plus, I do not know that will I cry if I lost my precious family members and friends *touch wood!!!!!*

emotionless? No

but I understand that the life, death and stuffs like that can't make a great stir in my mind

what is coming, then there are chances that we cross path during out life

what's gone is gone

why should I mourning it over nothing??

then, I believe that everything is kinda like destinated

just your choice lead to different consequences, like predetermined fate

so I cherish my friends i made

anyhow, this is getting too long

maybe there will be a sequel after this.....

time now, 0100, 23rd of July, 2011

This is getting serious

well
I just feel kinda annoyed when people ask the following questions
"how have you been?"
"doing anything in house?"
"been doing well?"
and the similar questions like these

frankly speaking
i do nothing that worth mentioning
just play the games
what games?
well

get the stories?

Moving out

i can't say i like how the time behave
but i can say that i didn't hate it either
depends on the circumstances
some times you do wish time move faster when you are in a awkward moment
and you wish it move slower when you are having a good time

enough for the pointless views
i am moving out in...
well, according to my plan
it would be 13 hours, corrected at this point of typing
so, what i want to say is, the time is just flew by
it seems that i just arrived this room yesterday
and i am moving out in few more hours
i liked the new house's design
not actually my dream house design
but close enough...XD

maybe i am gonna upload some new house photos....
since that i can transfer the files via bluetooth...
and oh, I found out that I like Shantotto's laughing
too bad the laughing is too...feminine...XD

Now its really a pain in the ass

ok, i admit that i seldom to read the latest headlines
either the headlines are from UK, or m'sia
i know that it is a responsibility, in term of being a grown up
but for me
it is really a pain in the ass
or more politely
Can I give you a ladder? So that you can get off from my back

well, if there are something really, seriously, dead seriously emergencies
everyone will just put them on to the FB
so i still using "seldom" instead of "never" at the first place
otherwise, I will just ignore everything that does't have a direct effect on me

more nonsense things
well, the solitude isn't a healthy living style
furthermore, solitude during summer vacation
I don't mind holidays, but i hate living alone during holidays
it just a waste on my time
well, more part time jobs then....

then again
i am leaving this house soon
7th of June
this is the date that i move out from this bloody house
no more limitation on internet connections
and i can enjoy some longing MMORPGs that I want to play

oh, there is one more thing that picked my emotions again
it is about the birthdays issue
well, it is a common occasions that people having birthday party in restaurants
so there are no exceptions in the restaurant that i an working too
and the cakes always surprise me
what can i say to those fancy cakes?
spoiled brats? XD

it is fun to look for cakes for this post

and due to some special circumstances
(for most of the times, i am been bullied)
I am always is the one that handle to cakes to the tables
then I was wondering
what will my friends here do during my birthday?
well, I'll be lying if I say I don't want and don't like any surprises
but when some of my friends asked me questions regarding my birthday
frankly speaking, I don't know how to answer these questions
some times, i just said, whatever you like, with my physical mouth
but my inner self say different
the answer is of course, "well, surprise me!!"
something like that

well, it seems that the time flew again
i was thinking that kill some times with game while waiting my hair is dry then hit the sack
but is post is long enough to let the hair dry, short enough to keep me maintaining the sleepiness..
well, that's that, and happy birthday to everyone

New game

frankly speaking
I am not really a big fan of First-person Shooting game
and Third-person shooting game too
or should i put like this
I am not a big fan of shooting game, end of line

Well, it doesn't mean that I don't like them
just that I need to try it first then I might like them
The first FPS I get addicted is Left 4 Dead
but its a long story

Now, I tried the other one, which received mixed reviews
The Brink

Set aside that the graphic is a little bit too messy
and you can't customized much of your character's facial details
its fun, although I played solo in the game
too bad it needed to connect to the Stream server to play
otherwise I can't even bother to typing this post...XD

No Name Act 4

Ahem
well, I got nothing to do
and still, want to put something up
the problem is
what should I type?

you can't just let me type something nonsense
for example
"I want to die"
"life is pointless"
"I wish 2012 is the end of the world"
"I wish xxth xx 19xx doesn't exist"
"Why aren't there any zombie apocalypse so everyone die?"
"I wish there are monster to kills, be be killed by monsters"
etc <---- meaning from internet, "End of Thinking Capacities"

In fact, what I hate is
Vacation
people do enjoy it, everyone like vacation
but for me, vacation is just, well
boring as hell!!!

shouldn't put something so depressing
but this is life....

No Name Act 3

well, you see
ever since that I got my new laptop
I was too excited to post anything on my blog
And this isn't good
this serve as my backup memories
if anything happened to me
and i got amnesia, maybe I still can use this recall what I have forgotten

then again
I wish I have amnesia, a serious one
so that I can forget everything
and start everything anew again
guess that the nostalgia and solitude hitting me very hard this time
and I mean "hard", its really a severe blow

the feeling of nostalgia is came from the new friends around me
and of course, the photos uploaded from FB
well, when they happily took their photos together
going out somewhere fun
gathering, intimacies and stuffs
making me want to go home...
homesickness eh?
initially I thought that I will be fine, but in fact, no
I didn't confess these to my parents every time I called them
just not to worried them
they got enough stuffs needed to worried about
and I do not want to increase their burden

confess to my friend?
well, being thinking about it
but based on their FB status updates
I don't think this is good idea too
as they got their hands full of all sort of things
counseling?
might be a good idea
but where? and put it simple
I do not trust them, or rather, I do not trust them so easily...

it is not that I am so "otaku" or geek or something
but when I looking at them
they are too close for me to join in
I mean the friends here
and they are gals, so a guy can't join in the conversations so easily
furthermore, I just met them like only three days a week
and my position is much like
"just another part time"

about the solitude
this is one of the things that totally out of my control
well, they are locals, while I am a foreigner
they went back to their families way before the summer vacation begin
and the only housemate here just not in his room
then only time I met him is around 1200
which is the time he wake up
then, 30 minutes later, off to library
not to studying, but he told me that his laptop is broken
so that explain everything.

and I am going to stay in the kind of status for 3 months
and i finally understand that there is one changes on the people around my age
"some times wake up in the midnight, and realized that I am alone"
but for me, is
"as long as I stay awake, I always realized that I am alone here"
well, getting a little bit too negative
probably I do have too much time to reflecting myself

well, when you got nothing to do
you might look for some random quiz to kill time, don't you?
and there is one test, and my personality result is "respectful analyst"
can't say that all of them are accurate
but I can't deny them either
just wonder that what is the taste of love.....

yay! yay! yay! yay!

initially, i want to make this post
but i am too excited that i got my laptop now
so i can't even bother to make a post that time
want to test something
like the performance
then tried a few games that i been longing to try..XD

and finally
i calm down a little
still very excited about the new lappy...XD
and i think only one word to describe it...
gorgeous...lol

wait till i got finally settle down to make a proper post...XD

it's been a long time

nothing particular
it just seems that i never found a song that have a really good feeling about it
but in the end, it's just another anime song
so people start to think that i am a otaku

and i been doing a lot of thinking recently
this is why i didn't update the blog for a long time
because too much thing want to talk
but just didn't have the mood to put it
or rather, the courage to put it
(inner thought: and there are not much people reading this blog anyway)

so, ultimately
the conclusion I draw from all the thinking and stuffs is
people just work for money
and by using the money
people obtain the materialization joys to fulfil their goals and relieve the stresses
and most of all, the only motivation to keep them on, that's it
end of line
and of course
this apply to most people

anyway
the songs that i have good feeling are just these two
Yume wo Mita Ato de by Garnet Crow
Hoshi no Sumika by Aobozu

hope you enjoy, if there are people reading....

Seriously....Act 3

well, another week had passed
and i feel restless
not without reason
unpaid lab works
and the precious weekend are spent on the frustrating part time work

started to feel like i am complaining too much
but it can't be help
i doubt if everyone put into my situation will have the same feeling
then again
i don't know what to do after i graduate
well, its still got a long time to go
but i am the type of like to plans ahead
way too ahead...
people said this is good for chess
but i am unexpectedly not good at it
because this does not got anything to do with myself
or i should put in this way
it's insignificant to me

anyway
as the weeks goes by
the sunset are getting later and later
right now, it's 2243 at this point
but the sky doesn't seems too dark
i would say its around 2000 at m'sia
the day time is getting longer and longer
and because of this
the sunrise is around 0600
and because of this training
i had to wake up around 0730
but i wake up on 0630 to 0700
no matter how late i slept
weird
and i hate it

this is one of the reason why i getting restless
the other reason is the stress and tensions are building up
and i can't get enough entertainment

Tiger & Bunny

by the way, i downloaded some new anime at a whim
the first one is Tiger & Bunny
its an anime about a veteran superhero is forced to team up with a rookie
and their characteristics and views are completely opposite
and this is like a blend of japan animation with western style superheroes
kinda funny if you ask me <---personally
and i know some of the voice actor
Barnaby is voiced by the one who voiced Kurosaki Ichigo from Bleach
and the Blue Rose (not quite sure her real name) is voiced by Kotobuki Minato, the one who voiced Kotobuki Tsumugi from K-On! series....
wait, isn't both of the having the same pronunciation for their surname??? Kotobuki....lol

Kore wa Zombie desu ka?

then the second one is "Kore wa Zombie Desu ka?"
haven't watch the second episode yet
but the first episode already makes me laugh non-stop
especially the MC are forced to cross dress....XD
well, this one have a little genre of yaoi, something like that
so watch with discreet....lol

both of them are still on-going
so i can slowly enjoy them...XD

and can anyone name the artists in the following picture?
its a drawing of Miku from several artists
i pretty sure that this is fan made...
so far i can recognise the one who draw One Piece, Naruto, Dragon Ball and Detective Conan, and perhaps Slam Dunk

Seriously....Act 2

this is gonna like more serious post
and i just realized that I only become very serious in two things ONLY
Ganes, and working
other than that, well playful side of me

then, some people ought to know that i am this kind of things
for me
working like battlefield
no chance to breath if you want to survive
and definitely no slacking off
and i HATE people slacking off while working
then, some people just pretend they are "higher class"
so wouldn't receive any commands
while thinking they are important

people
if you think like this
then don't ever thinking want to helping me out
i got my own organising style
if you really want to help me out
listen to me
i am not giving orders
i am doing my works
if not helping
please stay back while letting other people do it

and i can't believe that some people never bother to ask
posing like I-am-higher-class-than-you-so-don't-give-me-damn-orders
and get angry at the moments
FCUK OFF!!!!
this pissed me off the most!!!!!!!!


started to feel like that I am one of the cheap labour
capable to working as full time
while get paid at a price of part time
maybe i should stop working for a while
and look for a better paid job...

Desperated

It seems that one of my friend keep updating his blog at a unusual high frequency
and i don't it's a good idea to ask him the reason why
since that the posts are more of like self-realisation and such
anyway
since that he is behaved like this
i guess i should keep up the pace as well....XD
kinda like i am desperate to compete with him to see who can post more...lol

anyway
when i having a chat with my colleague during working as part time (of course get paid!!)
i just realized that there are someone who may showing interest in me
this particular people is from the lab that i am working currently
well
when i pass through the corridor
i always sense somebody is looking at me
and i saw this people looking at me and smile
of course, as politeness
i smile back at him
yes, he, him, his, a guy....

well, maybe i just fantasying things
but when i waiting for my friend to fetch me back to chester during Friday
at the entrance of the lab
he asked me that do i have a ride back home
and it seems that he is offering to take me home
then i shocked for a few milliseconds
then i said i am waiting my friend
so i, with respect, rejected his offer

then again, maybe i just jumped to the conclusion
he might be just try to be nice to me
as co-worker, as friend...well, eventually
different department after all
i am at the water extraction
while he is in GC
and the guy came in to talk to my team leader about the samples i prepared
is the same guy
so, it might be that he like the samples that i prepared since that all of them are so accurate....XD

anyway
once again
a quote from a game
and this can be a great motto
"arrogance beckons doom" by Warrior of Light from Dissidia Duodecim
but it seems that i might be desperated to be loved.....even from a guy....OMG
0.o

disappointments

been waiting a week
but still haven't got any parcel for me
geez, i can't wait no more
ever since last friday
my new laptop
hasn't arrive yet
what's wrong with the delivery guys??? <---- first disappointment

anyway
the first week of the placement is concluded
but honestly
i didn't make any big mistakes that i can include in my reflective report <----the second one
or should i say
i been very careful and paid undivided attentions when i handling the sample
till a degree of null mistakes?
should i make some mistakes so that i can write them in the report?
set aside a little bit of clumsiness
just spill some solvents that's all
but what surprise me is my senior
apparently, she make more mistakes than i
did she did that all the time?
or she just dazzled by my handsomeness....lol

and i feel very delighted when the guy from GC department came in
he told my team leader than all the control samples i prepared in very good
so talk about the accuracies of the test samples
maybe be i should include the mistakes made by my senior in my report
and saying that i learn other people's mistakes and take cautions so the mistakes are not repeat again
for example
messing up the labelling
over evaporate the samples
water droplets in the samples
so on so on

not quite sure about the report
and i need to make another post at the uni's weblog to "show that i am working" to the WBL guys....
guess i'll just copy and paste these things to there...XD

first day of placement

well, some of the info are P&C
mostly are the info on customers
and the procedures and stuffs
well anyway
it's not gonna like nothing to share about
i still need to write a reflective report after the placement

as usual
after a late night working as part time
reach home, prepare some ingredient for lunch
then i went to sleep
but, i was unusually calm
well, i am neither nervous nor relaxed
just got no special feeling for that
luckily i got a ride from coursemate
then arrived there earlier than planned
then done a little bit of inductions
then move on to work

all i can say from this point is
i need to do some pipetting
transferring solvents, wait till the machines done their jobs
then send the test samples to other departments for further analysis
by the way
i am not doing any analysis in this placement
i just needed to prepare the samples, that's all
although there are i think is 4 or 5 different procedures
but i think the methods are more or less the same

and, i think there are much break
just right after i getting warmed up, and feeling working about it
here comes the first break
then, i feel like my flow are broken
then lunch break, then another break
frankly speaking
i didn't take the second break, and i returned to works earlier during lunch break
well, i did stopped for while during second break
just walks to another room and have a chat with people
this consider roughly a break

anyway, the process took a long time to complete
and the pipetting are putting my eyes, neck and arm tired...
still, i managed to develop a technique to extract the supernatant easily during the day
so it's not a completely a waste after all....

bah, that's that
want to rest a little bit more

Seriously...

this is kinda like a continue act from the previous two post
the one before the post "distracted"...

well, some of my friends said that i am just a "veg talk" people
this is a direct translate from Cantonese
it mean that i am someone that just talk big
without putting words into actions
then, when i tried to do something extraordinary
they said something different again
seriously, i never know what are the gals thinking about

then, they said save the money up
but the real problem is
as i mentioned before
the desire that supported me all along ways till now
is to buy a new laptop
and in my mind is
treat myself better = buy a new laptop
something like that

other than that
i have no other desire any more
so far in my life
i have three PC
the first one i have is a desktop window 98
then a laptop, relatively cheap, window vista
next is this current one
a netbook, window 7

right now
if i dont buy a laptop
i do not have any motivations to continue working any more
frankly speaking
i was thinking not going to work
but, in term of reducing family burden
and in term of friendship <--- when i working, i am thinking i am just helping out, that's it
i continued to work

well, before i came to uk
my parents keep reminded me that don't work any part time job
as fearing that this may reducing my academic performance
and when i got the first job
i didn't tell them till december
coz they asking why there are no withdrawing from the HSBC account that i opened at m'sia
they got the statements, so there is no way to lies
of course, they did scolded me for a while
but i think they gradually realised that this may be a chance that to grind my life experiences
so all they do next is tell me not to overworking myself

getting a little distracted
anyway, maybe i should shift my attention to a second target
Sony Ericsson Xperia Arc
maybe, is just a maybe <---want to emphasize this



suddenly i like this quote from Busou Renkin
 "if i protect everyone, who'll protect me?" by Mutou Kazuki

Distracted?!

Ahem
ever since the last post
and some hardships encountered
i am reconsidering the laptop i choose
the sony vaio which i customized it myself

but then, thanks to this hardship
i almost gave up hope of getting this laptop
then at the edge of despair
i looked for a new target
while try to contact with sony help center

well, i got good news from both sides
it seems that i can go to sony center to order my laptop
but the, when i search for a new laptop
i found another one
and Asus didn't let me down even i choose sony at the first place
Asus N53SV
a for more better laptop at just a little bit higher price
just compare the processer, RAM, HDD capacity, graphic card which i think this won over vaio
i7-2630
6GB DDR3
640GB
NVIDIA Geforce GT540M

all these worth the price
but still have a little bit financial problem
but i can wait
i waited for more than 5 months
i dont c are about a few more weeks

but i surprised that the research methods assignment took over my priority!!
nevertheless, the assignment is a history now
and mi life goes on again

by the way
"unite as one" by Yuna Ito nfrom WISH album
this particular song carve it's way into my list of "songs with memories"
no special reason or occasion
when i listen to this song
what i can remember is
the anxiety, nervous, hopes when i riding the plane which i came to uk
so....

this is a joke...by Cloud Strife

Aspiration

there are many to this word
in science, it's an act of inhaling
but of course
i am not having lectures in my blog
this aspiration here is mean a cherished desire

some times
when i try to reach down
deep into my heart
i am searching
what can i do
for my family
for my friends
for those i met in my life
thought we might parting for now
there is no telling we might meet again down the roads
or even our chosen own paths united as one
looking for the same goal <------poetic

ahem
well, seriously
i dont know why i choose this path
after struggling for these day
then, i realised something
all we do is just for one word
the root of all evil
the fuel for all ambition
......MONEY......
one say
"money is not everything, but without money, you are nothing"
never underestimate the words of elderly
they had more experiences then us, the rookies of this world

right now
i reached my goal
and for the first time
there is people try to stop me to complete the goal
reaching and completing the goal is two different things
reaching mean target reached
but completing is much more complicated
for example
air strike attack
target in range
but as long as you didn't launch the missiles
the goal never complete <-----got it?

that people say, think once more
but then
do this people know that what is supporting me to worked so hard
save so much

reduced so much
withstanding the bursts of my temper
holding back the tears
wipe off the sweats
and finally
i earn the hard-earn rewards
then, this particular people told don't do it

i know this is somehow for my own good
but, as this person said
treat myself properly
and
in my opinion
the only way to treat myself properly
is to complete the said goal

enough words
forgive and forget my selfish desire

No name Act 2

not getting any emo recently
but just got nothing to do
three weeks of Easter vacation had passed
i done nothing
set aside that earning some money and assignment
well, i just got one assignment to submit after the vacation
so i pretty let loose and have fun

what funs?
well
PSP, karaoke, drinking
that's all
dont want to waste any extra money
the target is close
next week, it's decided!!! (nonsense)

the "no name" thingy is just that there are things that i want to share
firstly
congrats to my friends that finished their interships!!!
secondly
congrats to Prince William and Kate!!!
well, the Royal Wedding of course!!!
but i didn't watch the live

so that's that
just want to wait till the downloads finish then went to do some groceries shopping...

No name Act 1

rather, I don't know what to put in the title
so this is the first post with the title "No Name"
could be have more, so i think this can be the act 1

enough for the title
there is something that i think it got some point
it's a note on FB
and it seems that i can't find the note or the link again
can't remember who shared it
it's about the differences between studying at any countries other than UK and in UK
if not mistaken, the title mentioned about 300 questions or something
and it do point out something that's unique here
but this is not what i looking for
there is one particular that about the friends

well, the question is
"will i gaining distances with my friends at my home country?"
and the answer is very interesting
"you'll not gain any distance with your friends, but your friends will."

thinking back
it seems this is quite the case
conversations ended abruptly
running out of topic during conversations
and so on...

well
i am not sure about is i who distanced myself
or the distances are gained from my friends
maybe they got things too worry about
so i am always tried to shove the weird thoughts away

and i even doubt that without FB, without this little blog, without MSN
i will be forgotten by my friends soon or later <---weird thoughts again
frankly, i envy the British
they say it out loud
do it out obvious
regardless the feeling or the possible future events that caused by current actions
i think i am over considerate and too sensitive <----again

in the end
the one who is really care for you
is your family
luckily the phone haven't died out...
...just yet
remember <----self memo
the family is really cared for you, don't mistreat them

this is it, i am getting a new laptop in this week!!!!

recovered

even since i started to worked on last sunday
i started to feel that something is not right
of course is my body
while that sunday is one of the busy day in the restaurant
when i taking a break and having the dinner
what i can tell is dizziness, and no appetite to eat
and almost at the end of the day
i feel like i can knocked out any time soon..

and as i predicted
the night wasn't a pleasant one
keep having nightmares
and unusually high body temperature
and in the monday morning
diarrhea, very watery diarrhea
and i think i break the records of going to the toilet in one day
and i didn't count the frequency
just knew like going in every 20 minutes

then a little bit abdominal pain, not very intense
then again, no appetite to eat anything
at night
i knew something is not right
and i was correct again
vomits
and the night wasn't a pleasant either
the night was unusually hot
i opened the window, with the blanket off
and i managed to sleep like that

and i felt much better on yesterday, tuesday
think that i got a light case of food poisoning
just can't remember what did i done wrongly on preparing my meals
probably is the fresh chicken that i brought on saturday
i try to cut the whole chicken into several parts for preparing the next few meals
maybe i didn't washed my hands properly
next time should buy some proper hand washing liquid or lotion or something

the more i think about it
the more reasonable it is
the matching incubation period
unknown type of causing bacteria
but the symptoms caused by the potential bacteria are correct
so i think is the campylobacter spp.

but...who cares
as long as i recovered.....lol

another thought that i had...

it's not that i like to complain
but sometimes
the ideas for the new posts force their way into my mind
while i am working
besides managing, arranging and carrying out the tasks
don't get the wrong idea
i am doing time managing, arranging the sequences of the tasks while i am working

to be honest
i am thinking about the other things while i walking
and i enjoying this kind of walking-while-thinking
but i prefer the term "meditation" and "fantasizing"
i like to meditate/fantasize while walking
even though it's just a 5 seconds walk
i just want to keep my brain active that's all

back to the topic
i have some thoughts
but i rather say that i am comparing my current situation with my parents
for example, what would my parents do when they encounter this situation
the things that they gone through
the experiences that they gained while developing the their career
and i think i can fully understand why they scolded me for things
especially the things that i think it's correct while they thought to be wrong
and of course, the money issues....

and now i am think of it
the money i earning now are produced with my blood, my sweats, my tears
exaggerated a little bit
not with my real blood and tears
but the sweats are true...
by the way, this is the Chinese slang
so pay no attentions to that

looking back
i just took the money for granted
never really understand the hard-earned money from my parent
right now
i looking at my sweats, hidden moods and anger, light case of insomnia, 
cracked hands, dirty clothes, tired legs, nightmares (dreams about working)
the money i earned sure came with the hard way
and again, not that i like to complain
i started to feel like a cheap labour
working almost as much, as hard like a full-time worker
but just having a part-time wages
feeling like throwing so much of efforts for this part time job
and i worked three days per week for this so called "part-time" job

well, life experiences are coming from the grinding during young adult stage
so i trying to ignore these facts
just afraid that some times later
i might burst into tears/rages without reasons

Loveless guy...

another day had passed
and the never-came-to tomorrow is arrive
ever since the Easter vacation start
i found myself doing nothing but Internet surfing and playing on my psp
and i do have an assignment due in right after Easter vacation finish
seriously, the three weeks vacation just lost it's first week
and i accomplish nothing
nothing at all...

rather, i welcomed 16th of April 2011 with drinking with my fellow friends at UK
nothing particularly
but i just suddenly realized something
it seems like i am the most "childish" one
but the meaning of it normally people would refer to life experiences
but this is the meaning that i meant just now
it's the love experiences
even there is a chef who is 30 y/o something
still single but at least he developed some relationships
but look at me
nothing...nothing at all.......
what a loveless guy...i think


i do have crushes to the people i met
but i never had the chance to further develop the relationship from friend to lover
and i was thinking that i might have a chance at here
since that most of the restraints at m'sia didn't apply here
but it seems that this last hope i held is scatted
so fragile like glasses, so thin as air,
so hopeless till a situation of despair
well, you might start to think that I didn't confessed, didn't you?
I do, yes I did confessed
but she said "don't be silly"
end of the line

and I don't think this is a good idea to tell my parents as well
thanks goodness they can't read English
and don't know that i have a blog either
I can imagine what they'll say
"i spent so much money for you to study there, be serious on studying."
"matters about relationship can wait till you graduate or find a job or have a stable career."
they gonna say this two lines, depends who i tell first, my mum or my dad
so no point telling them since that they are not gonna to help

i can kinda understand the characters in the drama/anime that i watched
their loveless life are usually used as jokes
but i think it gonna reeaaaalllyyyy hurt if somebody just make laugh on your life like that
this is i am stepping into 21 y/o
and still haven't developed a relationship yet....
the infamous "Christmas to Marriage" comparison is kinda scary
since that i am getting closer and closer to that...

destiny is not here yet??
my destiny.....

Manchester again!!!

Picture taken in front of Manchester Arndale

well, the Manchester city will be a very exciting trip to the football fans
but not for me of course
but the only reason i went to Manchester is to buy something
this something can be anything
ranged from IT stuffs to fashions
at least for me it is...XD

I decided to went to Manchester in a whim with my friend
and the surprise is he said yes..
well, nothing much to do there
we just went to the stores
i want to buy a jacket, a pair of shoe and probably some pants or clothes
since that i do want to waste the train fare
it's quite expensive
but since that Manchester is quite far away from Chester
then i think it's alright, not a problem

and, i think i got the shopping spree today
and what my friend got is just a pair of pants
while i get a new jacket, new shoes and pants
and of course, he is in charged for taking the photos
since that i don't have a camera

the yakisoba is good!!!

but i still don't like the weather in Manchester
shorty after we arrived, it's raining
so we decided to have some sushi as lunch (bruch for my friend)
then went to some big shopping center
and after we came out form the building
the rain stopped
and the nice blue sky sure heighten my mood
and a roasted pork and duck with rice as my dinner

nice weather in Manchester

what a nice trip if i want to say so myself
and just as i looked through the Internets
the ps3 here sure is very inexpensive
approximately £200
i can worked for two weeks to get it
but back to m'sia
i need to worked for at least 2 months to get it
funny......XD
now i think about it
i spent my whole weekly wages already
this week is gonna be a very tight budget week!!!
my dream laptop is gonna wait for two more weeks in order to get enough money!!!!!
T^T