What am I, crazy?!

To be honest, I still don't really like want to chat with my parents. The main reason is I am still really mad about them, and now, I don't think I am gonna have a nice conversation with them any time sooner.

In fact, I still don't think that I did make myself clear enough. I thought that since that they are my parents, they should be understand what I am talking about, or what am I implying via my expressions.

But still, I am contracting myself by thinking that, "oh, they are still human after all, so they can't really see what is it I want, or what am I talking about."

In fact, I realised that I am a very tough outside, but inside my heart, I am very sensitive, fragile. I just don't want them to worry about me too much, at least not now. But what I really want now is a somebody I can really rely on, and I don't think that I had that "someone" in here yet. And I do believe my friends, but they are way out of reach, and preparing their own future with their hand.

Now, I believe that I am repeating the mistakes I made, even though it doesn't hurt anybody, well, at least I am the only one who suffering from it. Just quoting some line I heard, "it is not that I don't want to open up, but I just afraid that people will talk behind me, and I afraid that I am very vulnerable after I open up."

Maybe my friend was right, I am a worrier. And in future, if I can't find someone to share about, I might need a shrink, sooner or later

Back to square one?

well, i just can't believe that it's been more than one year since i got here
i still can remember that i was kinda timid, shy, quite back there
well, i can't said i changed so much
i am not very talkactive when facing people that aren't close to me
but once you get closer, know me more
the conversation topics just flooded out of my mouth

but what i can say is i am much more open minded
toward many things that's it
and the times just flew
but some times, i doubting myself that what am i even doing here
going out, went to gym, working part time, attending classes
now thanks to someone
i got a lot of time walking around to different places
and during these time, i done nothing
well, set aside fantasizing in my own little world
or just sing along with the songs i am listening if nobody around
or dance a little, if and only if no human being in sight
and of course, the most important thing
reaching deep down, questioning myself, reflecting what i done

but oh well
i did those stuff when i am walking anyway#
right now, i am enjoying the second day of christmas vacation
and i do really hate myself of being lazy when i got nothing do to
i had couple of assignments needed to be done
pilot study for my dissertation wen wrong last wednesday
gonna figure another way to do the experiment
well, actually just incorrect primers used
need to find another one
not to mention i still had to do some house chore
guess i gonna do them tomorrow
hope i still can remember after i finish my breakfast
speaking of which, i still need to do some grocery shopping as well
grrr, the list can be so long
yet my procrastination hitting me hard this tim

guess tomorrow gonna be a productive day
not for assignments though, but for surviving...:D

Vacations.....

to be honest
i am not really looking forward for the upcoming christmas vacation
i rather want the term is just carry on
at least i will be surrounded by people
oh well
people do have their joys
and i can't just mourning about the lost

supposedly, i wanted to post something on saturday
but i was too tired for that
so i just went to sleep straight after
what i want to write about
is just two things that gave me second wind
first one, i went to gym, two times in a same day
well, this is nothing special to some people
but for me, it is
in fact, i just can't concentrate in the morning when i went to gym
and i decided to go back early
but then, in the afternoon
my housemate drag me to the gym
so, two workout session in a same day

the second thing
well, it is nothing very special too
but i just had a perfect shift during work at the same day
what i mean is
i didn't make a single mistake during the shift
like, wrong foods to wrong table, missing some foods etc etc
and i realized that after i get back from work
tiring, after so long time that i didn't felt any joy during work
i started to enjoy the work again

well, the next thing that i am worry about
is how am i gonna kill the spare time
while working out all assignments in hand
regular social life, and stay sane for this coming three weeks
and right now, i do believe that i gonna lies a lot
in the near future

it is been a hell lot of week

i admit, that i don't really like surprise much
at least it is not a negative one, i am fine with it

but still, it is very hard to accept the pain of losing someone dear to you
there is not much people know this
only a handful of my friend knew that
well, i did try to follow the flow of tears
but still, i didn't done much crying, and mourning anyway
and i was thought that at least i can go home
but it seems that i still do not quite understand the reason they gave me
the reason of not going home
it is not them that can't convince me
but i do not think that the reason is good enough for me for not to go home
i still don't understand why
is this reason can convince you?
"she just want you to be succeed in your study, then come back."

does this implying that if i not doing well in my education
then i don't have to come home?!
frustrated, i still carrying on my life
gulp down all my tears and sorrows
but you see, i don't know how long could i hold them
until a point where they will exploded, flooded and stuffs

scientifically, i don't think her conscious remains in this world
maybe not in this dimension
spiritually, i hope her soul went to some place nicer
or maybe she already watch over me now at this moment

the border of life and death, is that really that close?