Kinds of friends

<p>After a few days of isolation in my room, just to finish the one and only assignment for one subject, and of course, excluding the time I spent for my lectures and my regular gym workout, I realise that you will tends to be have similar friends, and these so-called friend groups are not necessarily know each other. </p>
<p>For example, friends who is lazy, or know a lot of weird facts which is not really scientifically true, or friend who can remember others birthday and will make a big deal out of it, or somebody that looks like you both are fall in love together despite that both of you are same gender, or friend that act like your big brother but some other times like your little helpless brother. </p>
<p>The point is, I think it is important to have a happy, memorable memory with them, so that when you are lonely, you can recall the memories to make you at least have a small yet satisfying smile. Or you can do it a little further, you left a strong impression in their hearts.</p>
<p>I am not sure is it just me, or this happened to everyone, that sometimes I dreamt about I am doing something with my friends. What's more bizarre is they are from my different group of friend, for example, my best buddy with my friend I met in uk. I think this is what they call, you dreamt what you think during daytime. But for me that wasn't the case.</p>
<p>This makes me think of something, I am not sure that am I being studying so much, or I am just way too analytical and scientifical. But some recent events make me think of what is love, feelings and things of same sort of nature. When I saw some couples walking around, with their smiles and stuff like kissing and holding hands, it makes me think that what are really, those kind of feelings.

Anyhoo, I think maybe because I haven't really meet someone that perfect for me, or maybe I am not mature enough in a sense??

That took too long

Well, to be honest, I almost forgot this little corner here, and I think I told some of my friends about this, but I still gonna repeat it anyway, there is a lot of thing in my mind, and only a very small fraction of them are making me happy.

Needless to say, the rest of them aren't really cheering my up, rather I would think them as a demotivator. And what make me more depressed is most of them are completely out of my controls. You can't really control what people do and say, do you?

Well, I am exactly talking about some people from my part time job, and I don't care whether or not they are reading this or not. Plus I don't think they are "sophisticated" enough to read some random guy blog.

It is just that they are so, well, weird would be an understated, "crazy, insane, chaotic" would be seems appropriate. And I am not joking about this. They seems to be like those kind of people that would like to disrupt the peaceful, happy working place into chaotic, mind guessing, schematic battlefield. Looks those hk drama and I cba to watch.

Well if it isn't to reduce the burden on my parents financially, and I can't find a better part time job, I would punch them in the face and sayonara,  I am quit, have fun in this hellhole.

Anyhoo, this post is posted when I lying on my bed, after several failed attempts to sleep. And this is kinda like a last ditch effort for me to sleep before I pull out the ultimate weapon for me to sleep. And this do helped me to relieve some of the stresses.

So, good night?

Its been a really long time!

<p>Just realised that it is a long time ago since I update this blog, well there's a lot of things are on my mind during weekend where I should post something here, and I just want to go to bed asap and hope there is a good night sleep. But in fact, no, I don't really have a good night sleep at all. It is kinda like a wheel of fortune, where you can have a good week and then some bad week where everything gone wrong. </p>
<p>Well, it really good because whatever you are doing, the outcome is what you expected or better, you feel like you are having a roll. But then, when the first thing goes wrong, the bad luck followed. Which I really have that when it happened. This of course, will affect the mood of the week, hence your performance during works. I mean the proper work that paid, not assignments.</p>
<p>And at the time like this, you wish there are someone you can talk to, and doesn't hope that they will give you some sarcastic comments about your wrongs. Well, it happened to me, when I talk to that particular people, I just want to heard some comforting things, rather than some harsh comments about "why you not putting more efforts?" type of comments.

This is where it hurt most, because I already learnt that don't get much hope, so there will be less disappointments when it come, but I never expecting that that people only give me some sarcastic comments and cold shoulder. And what make me more frustrated is, when that people get upset, all that people do is just keep complaining, and keep mourning about how much hope that the one close to that people is there. I mean come on, all you done is just complaining to me, and I take it because that's what I do for a friend, but when I get upset you just give me a tons of shits about how am I not doing my works properly.

I didn't talk to others, because I can already know what they gonna say, and then, I can even feel that attitudes of "not my business". Well, I guess this is what I get for playing all manly and don't-give-it-a-crap way of doing thing. And I admit that I have a very girlish side, where I said I don't care but in fact, for god sake, I do. But too much of this kind of things happened make me explode, then all of my emotions come out.

Well, I can't even find any enjoyment when I working, which I used to be. And I can tell you for sure that I am so overwhelmed during work. Think about you have to do everything that normally split to three people works, so just imagine the workload I have, plus I still have to do all my assignments and dissertation works. And once again, when I complain this to that people, all she (yes, a she) said is "this is part time la", another cold respond.

This makes me think that why I even bother when she got her own problems and I helped her?! Meaningless efforts for making a friend here. So I guess I just gonna do what I usually do, suck it up, and wonder when I gonna be go all furious and yelling and destroy everything.

Weeks after weeks

What they said was right, the time wait for no one, doubt that not even chuck Norris are able to reverse the time..lol

Well, what I can say is the time went too fast, I can't even enjoy myself enough for the break too. And off I go again, for a date :-)

Weeks after weeks

What they said was right, the time wait for no one, doubt that not even chuck Norris are able to reverse the time..lol

Well, what I can say is the time went too fast, I can't even enjoy myself enough for the break too. And off I go again, for a date :-)

Happy new year....?

Frankly, I am not allow to do this at work. Yes, I am still at work now, using my phone to make this post. Well, the boss want me to stay to help up cleaning the restaurant. So right now I am little bored till the party to finish. Anyway, I get my wages based on hours I worked, and I am kinda need some extra money, so beat it

Anywho, happy new year I guess. ...

What am I, crazy?!

To be honest, I still don't really like want to chat with my parents. The main reason is I am still really mad about them, and now, I don't think I am gonna have a nice conversation with them any time sooner.

In fact, I still don't think that I did make myself clear enough. I thought that since that they are my parents, they should be understand what I am talking about, or what am I implying via my expressions.

But still, I am contracting myself by thinking that, "oh, they are still human after all, so they can't really see what is it I want, or what am I talking about."

In fact, I realised that I am a very tough outside, but inside my heart, I am very sensitive, fragile. I just don't want them to worry about me too much, at least not now. But what I really want now is a somebody I can really rely on, and I don't think that I had that "someone" in here yet. And I do believe my friends, but they are way out of reach, and preparing their own future with their hand.

Now, I believe that I am repeating the mistakes I made, even though it doesn't hurt anybody, well, at least I am the only one who suffering from it. Just quoting some line I heard, "it is not that I don't want to open up, but I just afraid that people will talk behind me, and I afraid that I am very vulnerable after I open up."

Maybe my friend was right, I am a worrier. And in future, if I can't find someone to share about, I might need a shrink, sooner or later

Back to square one?

well, i just can't believe that it's been more than one year since i got here
i still can remember that i was kinda timid, shy, quite back there
well, i can't said i changed so much
i am not very talkactive when facing people that aren't close to me
but once you get closer, know me more
the conversation topics just flooded out of my mouth

but what i can say is i am much more open minded
toward many things that's it
and the times just flew
but some times, i doubting myself that what am i even doing here
going out, went to gym, working part time, attending classes
now thanks to someone
i got a lot of time walking around to different places
and during these time, i done nothing
well, set aside fantasizing in my own little world
or just sing along with the songs i am listening if nobody around
or dance a little, if and only if no human being in sight
and of course, the most important thing
reaching deep down, questioning myself, reflecting what i done

but oh well
i did those stuff when i am walking anyway#
right now, i am enjoying the second day of christmas vacation
and i do really hate myself of being lazy when i got nothing do to
i had couple of assignments needed to be done
pilot study for my dissertation wen wrong last wednesday
gonna figure another way to do the experiment
well, actually just incorrect primers used
need to find another one
not to mention i still had to do some house chore
guess i gonna do them tomorrow
hope i still can remember after i finish my breakfast
speaking of which, i still need to do some grocery shopping as well
grrr, the list can be so long
yet my procrastination hitting me hard this tim

guess tomorrow gonna be a productive day
not for assignments though, but for surviving...:D

Vacations.....

to be honest
i am not really looking forward for the upcoming christmas vacation
i rather want the term is just carry on
at least i will be surrounded by people
oh well
people do have their joys
and i can't just mourning about the lost

supposedly, i wanted to post something on saturday
but i was too tired for that
so i just went to sleep straight after
what i want to write about
is just two things that gave me second wind
first one, i went to gym, two times in a same day
well, this is nothing special to some people
but for me, it is
in fact, i just can't concentrate in the morning when i went to gym
and i decided to go back early
but then, in the afternoon
my housemate drag me to the gym
so, two workout session in a same day

the second thing
well, it is nothing very special too
but i just had a perfect shift during work at the same day
what i mean is
i didn't make a single mistake during the shift
like, wrong foods to wrong table, missing some foods etc etc
and i realized that after i get back from work
tiring, after so long time that i didn't felt any joy during work
i started to enjoy the work again

well, the next thing that i am worry about
is how am i gonna kill the spare time
while working out all assignments in hand
regular social life, and stay sane for this coming three weeks
and right now, i do believe that i gonna lies a lot
in the near future

it is been a hell lot of week

i admit, that i don't really like surprise much
at least it is not a negative one, i am fine with it

but still, it is very hard to accept the pain of losing someone dear to you
there is not much people know this
only a handful of my friend knew that
well, i did try to follow the flow of tears
but still, i didn't done much crying, and mourning anyway
and i was thought that at least i can go home
but it seems that i still do not quite understand the reason they gave me
the reason of not going home
it is not them that can't convince me
but i do not think that the reason is good enough for me for not to go home
i still don't understand why
is this reason can convince you?
"she just want you to be succeed in your study, then come back."

does this implying that if i not doing well in my education
then i don't have to come home?!
frustrated, i still carrying on my life
gulp down all my tears and sorrows
but you see, i don't know how long could i hold them
until a point where they will exploded, flooded and stuffs

scientifically, i don't think her conscious remains in this world
maybe not in this dimension
spiritually, i hope her soul went to some place nicer
or maybe she already watch over me now at this moment

the border of life and death, is that really that close?

Opps

it seems that i am gradually forget to update the little corner of this
i thought that i can remember to post something here every Fri/Sat/Sunday
but it seems that there are hell lot of things happened
and i just want to finish that day and embrace the new beginning of next day

to be honest, i do not want to use this corner just to complaining the stuffs
but sometimes, things are just happened
and there is nothing else that i can share/talk about
well, i can feel that this post gonna kinda long, and negative
but this is just let people know what's going on in my life
and act as my little diary as well

first off, i still don't understand why some people can remember all the wrongs
rather than forget them, and start everything anew
but anyway, this is my way of living
but still, that particular group of people can just simply hate/hold the grudges
not even i act friendly toward them
and i do believe that that people will never talk to me again
well, if that people really acting that way
guess i'll have to act as the same way too...:P

i know i can be very, very bossy
but still, what i want is the commitments
oh well, "people"
still don't really understand why
and, i guess i'll have to either just do my job, and suck it up
or just say "fcuk you!! just go to hell!!"
or "just call your mother ship come to pick you up, but when you do, please do tell me so that i can call NASA to have them take some picture of you and your kind, and i'll have a small fortune for me, as a reward of telling them there are some aliens coming to pick their people back to their home planet."

lol, a long sarcastic line here
anyway, there is one other reason that keep me away from updating
well, gym sessions, classes, assignments, dissertation, works, entertainment, other kind of entertainment, sleep, surviving
yeah pretty much this list sum up my to do list
i still try to enjoy my life here
god knows that where am i, and what am i doing next year, some date, same time...:P

so in conclusion
cheerios!!!

What a crazy week

Naive, Mental, Talented, Passion
well, these are the words that i found when i looked at random picture
the picture about the first 4 words you found describe yourself
just a random picture i found on FB
quite accurate to some extend..XD

back to main topic
this ending week are the personal development week in uni
so there are no classes at all
which is nice if i say so myself
got a normal monday
but then a very tiring, but excited tuesday
tons of fun on wednesday
recovering thrusday
normal friday
and exciting saturday

i am pretty much working on my dissertation on monday
then i got my phone on tuesday
and i arranged all of my appointment with supervisor and lab assistant on tuesday as well
which, turn out to be a good plan
i planned to took the day of so that i can prepare myself for wednesday
but in the end, i still can't learn how to say no
but anyway, i am having a great time on wednesday..:D

then the rest of the week are pretty much the same
but i think i am kinda depressed on friday
i think it is because i had way too much fun
and i just don't want it to be end
but then, i told myself
"oh WTF, this is just temporary, life goes on..."
and yeah, the mood is recovered a little bit more...XD

oh well, this is life
some nice arrangement could make thing looks better...XD

whole new level

well, things does happened
and to be honest
this passed week are damn crazy for me
i never expect my dissertation's proposal are going so well
and i go out with somebody i completely don't know for a movie
and i went for the counselling, spilled my hidden troubles to someone neutral for the 1st time as well

after these instances
i realized that typing out the troubles just helped a little
just a little, unless the post are made anonymously
but the thing is, this is hard to be achieved
talk to someone neutral, which mean he/she don't know the people involved in your problem
and the someone neutral must be have more life experiences than you
that way, he/she can understand your problems easily
anyway, she really helped me a lot
besides, she said that i looked like being in the most depressed state that she ever met

but, i did made a promise to myself
the promise of i will not drop a single tear anymore
not even 0.001ml
but, after that, something happened
and i not even want to tell what is it
until i think it is time for me to tell
so don't ever ask

and after "that" happened
people from work said that i looked very happy
very, very happy
well, that can't be help
since that suddenly i felt like i got more motivation to go on
compare to before of course

anyway, this 100th post make the change of my life!!!

Sick of it....

well, i am kinda getting numb toward the empty promises

and kinda understand how's my parents' feelings

especially when i encounter almost the same situations

to be honest

i don't think i can't be serious during works, academics and games

i think i posted this before

but today's shift make me felt like i am post this again

perhaps there might be more of these kind of feelings in the future

but the main thing is, i am getting bored at works

it is not that i got bored from the responsibilities i hold during works

but it is the people there...

what do you felt, when you just want to confirm something

but get a cold-shoulder in return...

not a proper wording here

just that person's respond in annoyed manner

well, this is very frustrating situations

in restaurant, especially the one i am working in

once there is a mistake, there are at least 2 people will starting to shout at me

saying something like "WTF R U DOING?!"

"WHAT HAD YOU DONE?!"  etc

did you see the dilemma here?

a mistake get some scolding in return

a confirmation question earn a cold-shoulder response

what will you do?

seriously, i had a lighten mood to start working

then what i got is a blow to my mood

from the top of the cliff to the bottom of ravine

and this happened on the very first hour i am started working

this is point no. 1

Point no. 2

empty promises

due to the fact that i worked for such a long time in that place

i can be a full-fledged full-timer at anytime

but i patronizing my study first

so full timer on term date is out of story

but that's not the point

main thing is i need to complete many tasks when my shift is almost over

for instances, clean the coffee machine, counters, cutlery, plates and menu cards

there is a girl from Poland who hold the responsibilities of the cleaning the cutlery and plates

so, as long as she didn't absent or finish her shift early

my jobs are kinda easy

gonna side tracked

well, there is another full-timer

she "asked" me nicely to clean the counter and the coffee machine

in exchange of she helping me to serve the foods to the customers

which is my main jobs there

in the end, she is always nowhere to be seen when the bell rang

for the notification of the foods are ready of course

which mean that my cleaning jobs are always interrupted

which, really pissed my off

as i just realized that my style of working is keep the flows go on

which mean i am happier to complete the tasks without interruptions

well, that's point 2

point 3, i'll make it short

there is a new full-timer

and according from the info i heard

he is kinda "big", which mean he have some authorities

but he just take it way too easy

it is not that he is not helping

but he keep annoy me by keep saying

"why so serious"

which kept remind me of the Joker

gah, just annoyed

and frankly speaking

there is no one i can talk to

Parents? Out of questions, as they had their things to worry about

my best pal? Hardly to see him online

college gang? they had their FYP to worry about

housemate? well, there is nothing they can do, and i doubt they understand my feelings as they didn't went through as many hardship as i do

and i don't think i'll get any responses from FB as well

not even a like or comment.....

*sigh* <=== favorite word now

just use it and let the things be............

new term, new life?

well, the summer flew by
the long summer had gone
the weather doesn't as hot as I anticipated
well, watch too much japanese animation
where throughout the whole series
there's gonna be an episode of extremely hot/cold weather
which gave me am impression that the summer is horrible

but in the end
the summer passes without really hot temperature
well, there are few days that really hot
it is not the same "hot" in m'sia
but it is windless hot
which make the room are hotter then usual with stagnant air
not to mentioned when working in the restaurant

speaking of which
if it isn't my colleague mentioned about how she getting more hot-headed during work
i wouldn't be able to realized that i had the same problem too
especially when there are no enough people to work, and the tables are fully booked
and the stupid hag still unable to judge the situation and adjust her speed accordingly
despite her working experience is more then few years
the manager did really helped
by command that stupid hag to slow down, otherwise, it is gonna be a disaster
let alone to provide the so-called "service"

practically, i worked 6 days straight down during the fresher week
which make me felt lot more tired then usual
.........
well, the recent are nothing but only complaints
the new term time table make me feel like this year gonna be an interesting year
still, when i try to calm down after the high stress works in the restaurant
i recalled, some really nostalgic memories
not some, lot of them
which make me recalled some of the conversation with my fellow college friends

the main point is
"the group is splitting, even they living under the same roof"
i think i mentioned this before
but the feeling, not quite sure how to describe it
kinda like a mixture of anger, nostalgic, sad, wasted
and more.....
and i felt it is kinda unfair
the adv. diploma have 4 groups, instead of 5 in diploma year
so, in order to do to that
the people who in charge in changing the name list split my group into 2
evenly half of my group members merge into others
i knew that my group isn't the only which got separated
but the other groups are only had only few of the members separated
ranging from 3 to 5
but my group are separated into two equal halves

i could do nothing about that
since that i am not staying for adv diploma
still, i felt so unfair
i would prefer all the name lists are decided by picking the member randomly
rather then splitting the groups
since that his is much more equal to everyone......

well, as for the first day of term
i had a hard time to concentrate after the 3rd hours of lecture
and had a not-so-stress-relieving gym session
the tiredness kicked in real quick after some soft music played
all i just hope, is to have all my group members stay connected
even only remained in the FB friendlists will do....
and of course, the group i created...........

it is been one year

well, the time flew away again
i just realized that i been here for one year
if it isn't my friend asked me
i wouldn't realized that 15th of September is gone for good
as usual, nothing particularly happened
and it seems that there are many parting gonna happened
and for me, i don't really care about the parting

it is not that i don't care for my friends
but, if that's their choice to leave
so there is no points to mourning or what-so-ever
and then, there is something that really picked on my nerves
the M'sia government issues again
which, i saw them on FB by chance
it is about that there is a student who get a good grade for her study
but when she applied the government owned facility
her application was rejected
due to her parental background
which is, Chinese mother and Malay father

the reason of rejection is: "under security"
and duh, what kind of reason of that?!
as the Chinese word said: 官字两个口
literally, this mean that every officers have two mouths
this implies that most of the "government officer" didn't do what they said, or do what they didn't said
this meaning came from the word 官 which have two similar Chinese characters of 口
this caused a change to one of my future plans
which is one of the bad options i had, go back there and be a police officer


you know, this kind of things do happened
and i still wondering what will happened to M'sia
will it become better? or worst
and for my case
I'll just leave it, and just be awed by how much surprises that the racial issues gonna taken them to
and this just trigger one of my old memories
which is the vows we all gonna swear for every Monday at school's assembles
and i don't think that there is a line of "racial equity"
and when i wiki-ed it, it seems there is something extra to the front
oh well............
maybe a bouncer isn't a bad job too..

this is getting too much....

well, i can see that i didn't update my blog as frequently as i did
just addicted to an MMORPG, Forsaken World
all blame go to Adam...XD

well, nothing worth mentioning it, unless you, the readers want to know my achievement in the game
glad that everyone still doing fine
just a quick update for this, nothing better to do
as I getting a little bit bored for that game...:P
below is the one of the screenshot from the game
when i am level 45, now i am level 53 FYI...XD

and this picture supposed to be a joke to my friend
as her name is Mabel as well, and see the title of the NPC in the picture...XD

that was unexpected....

i guess that I have few close friends
those who can chat with me for a long time
those who can remain silence for a long time without getting awkward during conversation
those who can share the secrets
those who can keep secrets
those who remain as friends even thought we haven't chatted for a long time
those who share your joys, suffers, pains, tears and theirs

I admitted that I did lost some friends here
i am not making excuses, but those things are not in my control
and out of my jurisdiction as well
one of them, well, he act a little bit childish
then the other one, he is on the verge
but i do have a feeling that it is gonna happen, sooner or later

enough for the friend here
in fact, i just had a long Skype chat with my friends on this afternoon
everyone seems to be healthy
set aside that the finals are coming
and the endless report-producing makes them seems tired, and stressed
but this is not my main concern
it seems that the bonds we forged together are crumbling
and some of them are broken, separated

thanks to the technology
long distance friends are rarely appear in people's dictionary
but they not always work <----making excuses again
anyway, when she told me this
i don't now how to respond
i don't know how to reply
i just answered, "really?"
then she mentioned that some them are splitting up
even though they lived under the same roof
then she said those who didn't came up and said hello in front of the webcam are the ones


the are one quote
"the ship will lost in the midst of sea without it's captain"
perhaps this quote is reanimating my group members
well, this is one of the things that I don't know what i know
the leadership skill
i never thought that the whim on the first day of my college life change so many things
and i never foresee that what happen when i leave my group to pursue my dream
a little bit selfish?
i admitted, but some people might disagree

in the end
i feel so.........frustrated
i can't get my mind of when i had my gym session on the treadmill
until i must clear my mind and catch up the breaths and pace
for me, i am a little bit perfectionist
i want everything to be perfect
i want everyone live happily together

but these are naive thoughts
even i can comes up tons of possible events that can split people from together
.........

this is getting too long
i should stop here
just hope that they wouldn't falling too apart that i can't even close them together again......

Fitness...

Frankly speaking
it is been a long time since that i being so pumped up before
and, this kind of thing are kinda completely random
at least for me...XD

just looking for something to do during summer vacation
and the only thing i needed to keep on doing gym is just a motivation
but in the end, i found several of them
well, the main one is gonna be make myself look better when i wear clothes
believe it or not
my size of choice for the clothing are reduced from L to M
and my waist went down from 36 to34, even 32 can be fitted in, with a little effort of course

and i think this is gonna keep going on
want to gain some muscle weight while lost some fat tissue....

Maybe I was wrong

well, i admit that i am not a good teacher, guider, or whatever that need to teach people
simply because i had very high expectation
or should i say
I judge others with high expectations...
but then again
maybe i was wrong

well, i guess that music people can't be very analytically....